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Ashley News Observer- Features
THE WEEKENDER: Cookin' with folly
We run a recipe column here at the News Observer, but it’s doubtful that it could measure up to the one that I rediscovered this week among some old memorabilia.
Nearly 30 years ago, my kindergarten class put together a book of recipes to present to our mothers on Mother’s Day. The teachers prompted us to tell them how to make foods that we liked, from ingredients to preparation.
At the age of 6, most kids still are struggling to tie their own shoes. Accurately transcribing recipes is sort of out of the question.
Here are some of the more noteworthy efforts:
Lasagne
Take fat spaghetti. Roll and roll to shape. Add something else to it. Add some more fat stuff. Cook in oven and then in skillet. Put hot water on it. Put in pan. Cook some more and it will get fatter. Then you eat it, and it will be your favorite.
Lasagne: It’s like spaghetti, only fatter.
Sugar cookies
Buy them at Safeway. Take them out of the wrapper. Put them in a pan. Cook in the oven at 2 degrees for four minutes. Take out and eat.
What do I do now that Safeway is closed?
Chocolate pudding
Take some milk and then the mix, and put in a blender. Put top of blender on. Turn on to No. 10. Let it mix for a minute. Take it out, and pour in little bowls. Put in the refrigerator.
Thank Heavens that the instructions reminded me to put the top of the blender on, averting certain milky disaster.
Macaroni
Take some macaroni. Put it in a pan. Put cheese in. Cook some more.
Yes, it’s that simple!
Chocolate cookies
Get little, little round things at the store. Put them on a pan. Put them in the oven and they get bigger.
I prefer the Pillsbury Round Things to the Nabisco ones.
Weiner
Cut weiner. Put potatoes and cheese in it. Put in the microwave. Take it out.
You don’t actually have to turn the microwave on to warm your weiner.
Hamburger
You have to cook the meat. Put the meat inside the hamburger bread. Eat it!
Yes ma’am!
Apple pie
First you get an apple pie. Take it out of the box, then you bake it. Then you eat it all up.
This reminds me of an old “Saturday Night Live” sketch with Steve Martin, “How Can I Be a Millionaire, and Never Pay Taxes?” It starts: “First, get a million dollars.”
Kool-Aid
Put some sugar in the container, put some water, then you stir it.
Oh yeah!
Hot dog
Get the mustard out. Get some water and put hot dog in. Put it on the stove. Cook it one hour. Take the hot dog out and put it on bread. Put the mustard up.
Whatever you do, don’t forget to put the mustard up, or the entire receipe will fail.
Ham sandwich
You get some bread, get some ham. You get some mayonnaise and some domatoes and salad on it. Then you eat it!
You say “do-may-to,” I say “do-mah-to”...
Meat
You put it in a pan. You put pepper on it. You put it in the oven. You get it out and eat it.
Meat: The other red meat. No, not that one...the other one. No no, the other one.
Chocolate-chip tasters
Take some pie dough in a bowl. Sprinkle some pebbly things in it. Then you put chocolate chips in it. Put it in the oven for about 30 minutes.
Now with even more pebbles!
Donuts
You take something and put it in the oven; I turn it on. I wait a few whiles, then I take them out. Then I take it to the table and eat it.
I can’t be bothered with details, man! Just put something into the oven and wait a few whiles!
And finally, my own recipe:
Cake
Put flour in a bowl, then put two eggs in it. Sometimes use butter. Stir with a spoon. Put in half pound of baking soda. Stir again. Pour out in a pan. Put in oven on 1 degree and cook for 30 minutes. Take it out and eat.
With or without the optional butter, it makes a lovely frozen treat that also is good at fighting gingivitis.
(Heath Waldrop doesn’t cook but is the managing editor of the News Observer.)
© Copyright 2005 Ashley County Publishing, Inc.
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